Attention Spawn

This page is dedicated to venting my daily frustrations with my spawn, otherwise known as my children. Enjoy!

Attention spawn of my loins: whining and moaning and bitching while doing your chores will NOT, I repeat, WILL NOT make me so annoyed as to never ask you to do chores again. It simply makes me so annoyed that I plan on giving you MORE chores until you're so exhausted you collapse into a blessedly silent stupor.

Attention all spawn: screaming bloody murder every time you get bumped, bump into something/someone, stub your toe, stumble, pinch your finger, get a scratch, have a splinter, etc etc ad nauseum does not make me feel sympathetic for you. It simply makes me want to find a way to justify your gawdawful shrieking.

Attention all Spawn: when you ask me what's for dinner and I say, "left overs," your response of "Awww," does not compel me to get up and cook something fresh to satisfy you. It simply makes me want to stuff you into a crate barrel and feed you moldy bread and stale water through the bung hole until you're eighteen years of age, whence I can roll the barrel into the street and wish you the best of luck in life.

Attention Spawn: the floor is not your hamper. If you insist on continuing to treat the floor as a hamper I will have no choice but to think that you are laundry and shove you into the washing machine and then the dryer.

Attention Spawn: I am still trying to figure out, after your having spent an hour with the hose running full tilt, coming into the house wet and bedraggled, with soap suds all over the yard, why my car is only washed from the bottom of the windows up. I am not Wonder Woman and my car is not the Invisible Jet.

Attention Spawn: getting in trouble in school for using a water bottle as an imaginary penis in front of your teacher will result in an epic FAIL. And the loss of all electronic privileges . . . including the light bulbs in your bedroom. Next time you want to play dick remember that you are BEING a dick . . . and as such I will treat you like one. Now go to bed before I drown you in the river.

Attention Spawn: the kitchen closed after dinner. I told you to go to bed at 21:30. I refuse to feel sorry for you because you're hungry at 22:15. You currently stand at 6'9" tall. You're always hungry. There isn't enough food on the planet to satisfy your appetite. Go to bed. And thank you for heating those sloppy joe leftovers. I was getting the munchies.

Attention Spawn: you are duly warned. If you leave the toilet seat up ONE MORE TIME (and I don't care that they trained you to do that in the Marine Corps- I DARE those damned drill instructors to come here and argue with me) I am going to sneak into your room at 03:00 and dump an ice cold pitcher of water on your head. Consider it a small mercy- at least it wasn't your ASS that was immersed . . . unlike mine. >:(

Attention "This water bottle is a penis- Oops, I shouldn't have done that in front of my teacher" Spawn: you have been suspended for two days for your antics. I am not taking this as a loss. I am hiring you out to all the neighbors in the area to rake Fall leaves. In fact, after having spoken to the vice principal, he will be your first customer. The proceeds of this endeavor will pay for all the wine I feel compelled to drink due to your nefarious habits.

Attention Spawn: do you wonder why there are so many dishes to be washed, constantly? It's because every time you half-heartedly swipe at the plate with a sponge and put the still crusty plate, suds and all, in the drainer I put said dish BACK in the sink. If you want to stop washing dishes then stop the cycle of stupidity. You just keep making more work for yourself and it's not like you're even being paid. On the other hand, great job there on practicing job security.

Attention Spawn: when the toilet backs up and thwarts even the most valiant attempts of plunging and we ask you if you have put anything inappropriate in the toilet and you answer, "No!" then we expect, after having called in a professional plumber, NOT to have orange peels dredged up from the bowels of our home's plumbing system. "But they're biodegradable" is NOT an acceptable excuse.

Attention Spawn: if I have need of a pen or pencil then I can promise you that the clothes dryer is the last place from where I would seek one out. In fact, I am fairly certain that it is the only place where I would NOT seek one out. The same goes for tissue, odd bits of paper, gum wrappers, ABC gum, and more. Please stop leaving these items in the pockets of your dirty clothes or I will begin preparing your breakfast in the morning with this extraordinary combination of refuse folded into an omelette as the main course. PS: Coins and dollar bills in the pockets of your dirty clothes are still acceptable legal tender for all laundry debts, public and private.