Thursday, January 3, 2008

Unleashing the Demon

There's a reason I keep my halo close by. I keep it safely tucked away, but always within reach. Sometimes it's heavy, sometimes it's oppressive, but it keeps me safe. It keeps me sane (I think).

It also makes people see me in a way that I know I am not. It doesn't reflect my true identity. It projects, reflects and refracts the image of a person I know I will never be. I am not intentionally deceiving people with this image, they are merely seeing what they wish to see. I'm the reluctant magician. It is my curse.

My halo keeps me safe. Safety is good unless it stifles you and imprisons you.

Sometimes the devil comes to call and I am tempted to set my halo down. Let go of the burden, free myself, free my mind. So I step away from the halo, and I revel in the glories of sin. What is sin but a social construct? What is sin but a mandate by an antiquated and out-moded religion? So I play with the devil. I dance with the devil.

When the sun comes up though, I know the truth. It's not about sin, it's about conscience.

I reflect on my actions. I see that in trying to define myself all I have done is acted out in defiance.

I peer at my halo, sitting dusty on the floor. It still has a little glimmer. It still looks heavy. So I pick it up and hold it in the palm of my hand. It is warm and solid and vibrates with a little electric hum. It glows softly and pulsates gently. It has an inner light that shines like the morning sunrise and it whispers to me softly to be true to myself, to be the best person I can.

So I set it down again and ponder the consequences of playing with the devil or of carrying the halo.

What have I decided? I don't know. I like to be safe, but I don't like to be bound. I like to play with the devil, but only so much. Somewhere in between there is a place where the two merge and co-exist in harmony.

In that harmonious place is my identity, one in which I can be true to myself and shine from within. A place where I can also put on my dancing shoes and Salsa with the Devil with gleeful abandon, but still go home in the morning and let the sun shine on my delighted face.

So let the light shine on, but not too brightly.

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